I think my vagina is haunted
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
