This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize