Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize