Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize