put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
