in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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