how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
