drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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