Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
