There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I got chris browned last night
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
