I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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