i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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