Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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