Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
