Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
