I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
