just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize