ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
