u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
