Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You are the jesus of drinking
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