go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
