i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
