Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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