why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
