Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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