there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
