what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
