I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
How's work?
Spinning.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
