I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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