you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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