Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
