woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
