May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
