so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
