Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
