I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
