If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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