FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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