so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The air was thick with penises
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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