Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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