I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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