Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
