if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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