Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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