If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
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