Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
