I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
ttyl tear gas
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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