He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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