8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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