I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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