I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
