My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
