No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
