Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
There's even glitter on my cock...
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