Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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