Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
