so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
