if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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