You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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