The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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